


To Be Alone With You

by WrittingSparxx



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergent, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-22
Updated: 2020-03-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:49:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23267260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WrittingSparxx/pseuds/WrittingSparxx
Summary: It feels goodGod it feels goodIt feels goodOh to be alone with youAfter the Chroma Conclave attacked, Gilmore is left wounded, and Vax is left dealing with the guilt.
Relationships: Shaun Gilmore/Vax'ildan
Comments: 6
Kudos: 49





	To Be Alone With You

**Author's Note:**

> I want to give a huge shout-out to Tuba-David on Tumblr for letting me cry about Hozier and Vaxmore all at the same time.

Just because one blended into a crowd didn’t mean they were comfortable in them. They made Vax’ildan’s skin crawl and put him on edge. At any second someone in the crowd could easily betray him, sell him out, turn on him… It had happened before and he knew that it would happen again. It’s partly why he worked so hard on blending in with the people around him. If no one knew he was there, then no one could betray him. They would just see him as a shadow passing by without a trace. How he fell for someone his complete opposite was beyond him.

Shaun Gilmore was everything that Vax was not: Not only was he comfortable in crowds, he demanded the center of attention. He wasn’t afraid to trust anyone who showed an ounce of sincerity. Everything that Gilmore did was calculated, but it was never cold. His charity extended past just his friends and family, but to anyone who asked for it. He was a leader who never asked for the power that he was given. Instead, he received it because people trusted him to make the right decisions. And to not hold grudges. That was probably one of the main reasons why Vax loved him so much: Through every confusing turn in his life, through every crazy adventure, and through every decision, Gilmore supported him no matter what. 

After the initial attack of the Chroma Conclave, Vax was certain that he would never see the sorcerer again. The damage that Emon withstood was terrible and left many people dead, even more homeless. That’s why finding him that day had nearly driven him insane. Even when the literal world was burning and being destroyed around him, Shaun had sacrificed himself to save others. He did everything to keep as many people alive and protected as he could. But they were no match for dragons destroying the world. 

Vox Machina did what they could. They got as many refugees out. They evacuated to Whitestone as soon as they were able to. The de Rolo’s were nice enough to not only spare their own war-ravaged city as a place for refuge, but they welcomed as many people as they could with open arms and resources that they could muster. They offered help in the way only another city that had suffered loss and suffering and tragedy could. And while leaving the wounded in Whitestone wasn’t ideal, Vax trusted Pike. And he trusted his sister, and Keyleth, and if Percy trusted her, he believed that he trusted Cassandra as well. He knew that the refugees and Gilmore were safe there. Safer than Emon, and safer than being left to fend for themselves. 

The night when they all arrived at Whitestone was somber and quiet. Everyone was still recovering from traveling. Many were still processing the loss of their families, their homes, their livelihoods. There were people still being tended to by Pike and Keyleth and Vex for injuries that would have taken their life if it weren’t for the healers working endlessly to heal them. Even Scanlan was doing his best when it came to healing those he could. When it was time for an evening meal, most of the members of Vox Machina stayed with the refugees in the main hall, but Vax disappeared upstairs, offering to take Shaun his food for the night. 

Cassandra and Percy had been kind enough to set Gilmore up with his own room in the castle. Not only did they want to give him the best possible care, but the room was a thank you for everything he had done before for them. Not only that, but it gave Gilmore more privacy than if he was housed in the main hall with everyone else. And privacy was exactly what Vax wanted when it came to Gilmore. The room had already been decorated, no doubt helped by Gilmore’s powers, to reflect the occupant there. Instead of the dull muted colors that were present throughout the rest of the castle, the room had a bunch of colorful tapestries and pieces of fabric hanging from the ceiling. The sheets had been changed to a dark purple. Gilmore’s favorite colors.

When Vax entered the room he saw Shaun sitting up in bed, his eyes closed. A clearly exhausted Pike was curled up in a chair next to his bed and Sherri was slumped over his bed, her head resting on her crossed arms. When the door closed behind Vax, Shaun opened his eyes, staring straight at the dark haired half-elf. “How wonderful to see you,” he said with a smile. Even with how exhausted he was and how injured, Gilmore commanded the attention of the room. His deep voice was like honey to Vax. “Come, sit, and enjoy the company,” he said, weakly opening his arms to indicate the bed or another chair near him. 

“I just brought you some food. I should probably see how my sister is doing,” Vax said simply, walking toward the bed. 

Gilmore sat there and watched Vax for a second, a small smile appearing in one corner of his mouth. “You saved me, and all of those people. You and Vox Machina are truly the heroes of Emon,” Gilmore said simply as Vax approached. 

“We let all those others die,” came the quiet and hissed reply from Vax. He set the plate of food on the table near the side of the bed. There was a moment where Vax couldn’t make up his mind whether or not he wanted to leave or stay. He was already on the balls of his feet, ready to take off at any moment, but he wanted to be here, with Gilmore as well. 

“Even heroes can’t save everyone,” Gilmore said simply. There was a moment of silence in the room, both of the men letting the weight of the situation settle in. It was true that people had been saved, but try as both of them might, there were a lot more people who had died instead. After a moment Gilmore extended his hand for Vax, smiling when Vax took it. “You did everything that you could,” Gilmore said softly. 

Vax felt like crying. No matter what happened, Shaun always had a kind word for him. “ _ We  _ started this. If we hadn’t gone into that basement and fought the blue dragon, none of this would have happened,” Vax whispered, his voice hoarse from choking back tears. 

Gilmore smiled weakly, shaking his head. “It would have happened anyways. If you hadn’t been there, this castle of people would be gone,” Gilmore said, bringing Vax’s hand up to his lips and kissing Vax’s knuckles gently. 

That small gesture was enough to get Vax to break down crying. He fell to his knees, holding Gilmore’s hand in both of his. As he kneeled there next to Gilmore he felt all of the tension that had been building for the past couple of months seemed to wash away. As much as he loved his sister and the rest of Vox Machina, there wasn’t a lot of opportunity to just allow himself to feel the emotions that were pouring out of him. Around the rest of Vox Machina it always felt like he couldn’t show weakness. He needed to be strong for his sister, for Keyleth, for everyone else that was falling apart around him. But with Shaun… With Shuan it felt like the entire world disappeared around him. And even after everything that Vax did to Shaun, he still welcomed him back with open arms. He didn’t deserve to be in the same room as Gilmore, let alone be loved by someone like this. 

“I know it is selfish of me, but of all the people we could have lost, I feared you would be gone the most,” Vax said softly, keeping hold of Gilmore’s hand. He looked up into those dark brown eyes, just enjoying the warmth. “Outside of my family  _ you  _ are the most important person in my life. You and only you,” Vax whispered softly. He studied Gilmore’s face for a few seconds, trying to see any kind of hatred or remorse, but saw only affection. 

“I was worried about you as well. I will always worry about you Vax’ildan,” Gilmore said softly. He pulled his hand away from Vax’s hand and put his large hand on the side of the half-elf’s face. The simple gesture made Vax close his eyes and lean into Gilmore’s hand. “Even when you are not doing the impossible and chasing down a group of dragons. That story that you told me about being in the Underdark was enough to make my heart nearly give out,” Gilmore joked, smiling softly at Vax. 

“The entire time I was there, all I could think about was getting back to you, and your shop. I wanted to see you again,” Vax replied. He slowly stood up, sitting on the edge of the bed and looking over at Shaun. “You always were the joy in Emon whenever we were there,” he said softly, smiling. 

Gilmore chuckled, reaching out to hold Vax’s hand once more. “I am honored to be someone so special to you, but I know that times have been tough for you lately. I hope that you are not making such sweet declarations out of guilt,” he said softly, patting the top of his hand. “You have nothing to be guilty of.”

“You know that’s not true… I have hurt you in ways that I never wanted to be hurt. I have hurt  _ others  _ in order to try and feel like a person again. If we hadn’t meddled in the affairs of things... I wonder if all of this would be different,” Vax said quietly. The room fell to silence as the two sat there. It felt like Vax’s mind was racing a thousand miles an hour. Everything that Vox Machina had done up to that point… they did it to try and save people. Vox Machina was trying to make the world a better place, but at this point were they helping, or were they just causing even bigger problems. 

“There would be five dragons,” Gilmore pointed out. “You told me the story of the blue dragon in the basement… Of your friend Pike falling to it,” he said, indicating to Pike, who was still curled up in the chair a few feet away. “Imagine the destruction that would have occurred if there was another dragon to deal with. I know that things seem difficult right now, but I assure you, without Vox Machina things would be worse,” Gilmore pointed out. He took his hand away from Vax’s folding them over his lap. 

“I have hurt you in other ways too,” Vax admitted after a while. Vax had been struggling with the fact that last time they were in Emon he had told Gilmore that he had feelings for someone else. He had known how Gilmore felt about him, and instead of admitting his feelings for Gilmore he said that he held feelings for someone else instead. And while he did love Keyleth, he loved Gilmore as well. Gilmore was one of the first people that he actually had any type of connection with outside of Vox Machina or his family. “I led you on and made you think that I was interested only to pull away when things actually were starting to settle…” Vax said quietly, looking down at his lap. 

Gilmore sat quietly for a few seconds, just studying Vax. The half-elf had leaned forward so that his hair was falling in his face and obscuring his face. It was a defensive mechanism and Gilmore knew it. “Come here,” he said softly, indicating for Vax to move up closer to him. “Vax’ildan, I mean it, come here,” Gilmore ordered. After a few seconds Vax moved to sit right next Gilmore, who gently reached out and put his hand on top of Vax’s once more. “Lay down with me,” Gilmore requested. Gilmore felt Vax’s hand tense under his own and knew that he was going to try and find an excuse to get out of it. Slowly, Vax relaxed under Gilmore’s hand. He looked around for a few seconds, taking in the room around him. Pike was sleeping soundly in the chair next to the bed, and if Sherri was awake, she hadn’t made any indication of it since Vax had entered the room. 

“I don’t want to cause any problems,” Vax said simply. He knew he should just walk away at this point. He should leave Gilmore to eat and try to get some sleep and that would be the end of this conversation. But still, Vax couldn’t bring himself to do it. Everything that Gilmore had told him so far was true. He never lied to him, and Vax trusted Gilmore completely for it. There was never a case where Gilmore wasn’t completely upfront with his intentions, whether that be their relationship or in business. But even now, Vax was trying to find a way out of it. He wanted to run. He didn’t want to confront the reality that it was his own fault for ruining the relationship that he once had with Shaun. 

Gilmore took Vax’s hand, simply kissing at the pale skin over his knuckles once more. “You have never been a problem for me,” he said simply. “Besides, I need some company after the last couple of days, and I can’t think of anyone I would want to spend the time with more than you,” he said jouvally. Even when he was hurt and tired, Shaun was still able to make Vax smile and lighten the mood. Without saying anything else, Vax finally nodded, laying down next to Gilmore. He was glad that he had taken off most of his equipment when they first got to Whitestone and settled in. He turned to look at Gilmore, smiling softly. “See? It’s not the end of the world,” Gilmore said quietly. A smile came across his lips, making it clear that it was a joke at the current state of things. 

“No… It’s not the end of the world,” Vax said in response, chuckling slightly as he looked into dark brown eyes. “How can you sit there and make jokes about this? Doesn’t all this scare you?”

“What good is being afraid of something inevitable. Eventually I’m going to die. So will you. So will everyone else that I love. Instead of being afraid, I’ve decided to live life to the absolute fullest. When it’s my time to come I will know that I have lived it with joy and love and have done everything in my power to spread that love and joy,” Gilmore said softly. He moved to intertwine his fingers with Vax’s smiling softly at the half-elf. 

“After everything, you still love me?” Vax asked, choosing to only focus on that for now. Everything else that Gilmore said resonated with him, but the choice in wording was what caught his attention. If Shaun still loved him, that was what he wanted to focus on. No more talk about the end of the world or whether or not there was something that they could have done previously to prevent this. Right now he wanted to focus on the good.

“After everything I still love you. I will love you until one of us has left this earth for good. I will love you even when you don’t love me. Or can’t love me. I will love you even when you love someone more than me,” Gilmore said quietly, turning to look at Vax. He smiled, running his thumb across the back of Vax’s hand, just enjoying the moment. 

Vax sat there in silence, letting the weight of those words fall over him. They had never said that they loved each other before. Instead, it was always quiet flirts and soft touches. There were moments when they both knew the feeling that floated between them, but neither one of them wanted to acknowledge it. Neither one of the men wanted to announce their feelings to the other, fearing that it would change their relationship in a way that would be detrimental. And for Vax in particular, the word love was loaded. He had never been loved by someone other than his sister. He never felt love that wasn’t purely platonic until he met Gilmore. Up until he met Gilmore, he had never felt seen before. To hear the small declaration of love was enough to cause Vax’s heart to shift into overdrive, his mind racing once again. But, through all of the complicated emotions and thoughts that were overtaking him, one thought kept coming back to the front of his mind. 

“I love you, Shaun,” Vax said quietly, keeping his eyes locked with Gilmore’s. Slowly he brought Shaun’s hand up to his lips, kissing the tanned knuckles slowly. He was mirroring what Gilmore had done earlier, trying to emulate the small gestures that he found comforting. “I just do not know how to love you like you deserve,” he said quietly, looking at the back of Gilmore’s hand before turning back to Gilmore. 

The wizard smiled. It was a soft smile that conveyed not only happiness, but joy and love and tenderness. It was obvious that Vax’s words had an impact on him; so much so that Gilmore had to look away from Vax’s face to regain his composure. After what felt like some of the longest seconds in Vax’s life, Gilmore looked up again, smiling still. He pulled his hand away from Vax’s, reaching up to cup the side of the half-elf’s face. Gilmore slowly ran his thumb over Vax’s cheekbone, watching as Vax closed his eyes and leaned into the touch softly.

When Gilmore paused for a few seconds, Vax opened his eyes, staring directly into Gilmore’s once again. “Let me teach you,” Gilmore whispered quietly, leaning in and pressing a deep kiss to Vax’s lips. 

**Author's Note:**

> As always, comments and kudos are always appreciated! Check me out on Tumblr and Twitter for more writing adventures or if you just want to scream at me.


End file.
